Yes, Lord

Just a warning-- I'm going to be very real and open in this entry. If you think it might upset you, or that you won't really read all of it and take what I'm saying to heart, then it's ok if you don't read it. It's all very hard for me to type... but, I know that God can use me and my situation to encourage others and to spread hope among other people by letting them learn from what I'm being brought through. But, it's pretty emotional... just so ya know. I am not sharing this for attention, I am honestly sharing it in hope that it can let my close friends and family see into my heart a little deeper, and to maybe, like I said, learn from my life. I want to be a light through all of this.
----------------

Tonight when I was driving home after hanging out with my good friends Ashleigh and Audra out in Leander, I started feeling really lonely like I sometimes do when I leave my friends and head home to a big empty house.

Times have been really hard lately. Because of several reasons, I am more alone now than I have been in a very, very long time. It's almost as if I'm a smaller person now. Parts of me are missing... I'm shrinking. People are far away in the literal and non literal sense. Every day I wake up with at least a slight ache in my chest, most likely left over from the hours of trying to go to sleep the night before but not being able to because my head is full of thoughts, questions, and sometimes a lot of crying. I am being refined- being brought through the Refiner's fire. I'm being pressed, burned, molded, pulled, pushed and broken into the shape I'm supposed to be. I am shrinking, I am becoming less, which is making Him become more. It is an often used phrase, but I'm really starting to see the truth of it played out in my life. There are different seasons in the Christian life than the kind I am in, but these seem to be the most memorable and trying by far.

So, back to my drive home. There I am, driving home, feeling the ache that has been so present in my body lately, and being incredibly tempted to call or text message a person that has been in my life heavily for the past year, but knowing I shouldn't. I should not be comforted so easily by a human when it is an ache as huge and all encompassing as the one that is in my chest. I must turn to the Healer, not His creation in a time like this. I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to contact this person, just to talk to them, then I knew I'd feel better. Then, once I convince myself that would just not be a good idea at all, I start running through my head the different friends I could send a text message and cry to about my ache and how lonely and sad I was feeling. That still didn't feel right.

It didn't feel right because Who I should be turning to in times where the ache is overwhelming and the desire to be loved and comforted and wanted takes over my mind and body, is my God. I should call upon Him. I should talk to Him like I would any of my friends.

So, I say, "Lord..."

Instantly, peace filled me. The ache was gone. The hole was sealed. The searing pain that sometimes seems to line my heart was cooled. I couldn't believe it- I started laughing. I went from sitting in my dark car, driving a long a dark road, crying... to laughing and feeling so joyful and free. All it took was calling His name. I thought of the things I was going to tell Him, about how lonely and rejected I felt, but those feelings didn't exist anymore. It seemed pointless to list off the emotions that were filling me just seconds before, because they were absent by just speaking His name. How beautiful, and how simple!

I then spent the rest of my night running to the grocery store and getting a few necessities, and then swinging over to Starbucks to get my favorite drink and sit in there for a little while. To the world's eyes, I might have been alone, little did they know Who I was hanging out with.

I know the pain will come in waves. My flesh takes over my mind, I feel the overwhelming sadness, I cry, I lay broken in my empty house feeling the pressure of all the emptiness weighing down on me. But, tonight God showed me how to call on Him and how quickly He moves in my heart.

Let the lyrics of this song be the song of my heart forever and for always.

"O Lord bless me and keep me,
Cause Your face to shine on me.
Lord be gracious,
Lift the light of Your countenance;
Give me peace.

For I live only to see your face so shine on me

Let the light of Your face
Shine down on my heart
And let me feel it"

listen to this song -- click.

"Nuttin bit Strings"

Kristina showed me this tonight. Very cool.

Random things I find in the wee hours of the morning

Ohh, Austin. (Click image to make it bigger and read what it says)


Baller bling bike. And some alliteration.



Gotta get me one of these.

Beat Boxing maniac kid

Becky has this on her blog, and I thought it was amazing.
My favorite part is Snoop Dog!

Cat slooowly sneaking up!

Craig and I watched this on best of youtube the other night and I thought it was soooooo funny.

Whatta fatty

The Anti-theft Lunch Bag

Thought this was a really clever idea! A bag with mold-like colors on it... so when you put your lunch in it, NO ONE will want to steal it.

Good for roomies, co workers, or family to be kept away:)

He gives and takes away

I asked for change. I didn't realize what I was getting myself into! My life is not the same as it was this time two months ago. Not in the least.

-Brittany and John left for North Carolina today.
-My sister just left to go back to Nacogdoches and won't be coming home next weekend like she seems to have been doing since school started back up.
-My parents are going to rent this house that I'm living in out to people, so I gotta get my butt outta here.
-I will probably be living in Houston with Kristina and Arthur until Christmas time.
-I won't be working at Rudy's anymore and maybe for good this time.
-When I move out of here, I won't have an official "home" in Austin until I come back in Christmas and get an apartment.


And so much more it seems.
Oh! And it feels like fall outside:) Oh, my how I am enjoying today's weather. I love, love, love, love the cool breeze and overcast sky. Mmm.

Christi-- the freelance writer?

Could be far fetched, I know. But I have been told so many times by several people that I should be a writer. I've taken to heart what I've heard before and tried (numerous times...) to start writing stories, but I always end up becoming severely uninterested in what I have started, and the story never gets finished. I really do love to write, though. So, as of late, I have been searching the depths of the world of Craigslist in hope to find someone, something, some organization that would hire me to write articles on, well, whatever they please! I know it's so far fetched. I have no degree-- no nothing!-- in writing whatsoever. I only attended college for a semester and a half. But, oh well. I have a passion for writing. I could take some classes if it turns out I have holes in my knowledge about writing and grammar. All I know is that I absolutely love it, and I've come across something called Dynasty Magazine, and they are searching for freelance writers to write articles for their fashion magazine. In the ad on Craigslist, it says nothing about college degrees or experience or anything-- they just simply want me to submit an example of my writing, and bada boom bada bing-- you're hired! If they like you, of course. It's a salary paid job with benefits. So, what the heck? Why not try?

I'm gonna.

Tomorrow after I get off work, I'm dragging my sister downtown (thank you hurricane Ike for keeping her in Austin longer than she planned), finding Austin-fashioned-up people, pulling them aside, taking their picture, possibly interviewing them, and constructing an article from that. On the streets fashion! How fun.

The magazine will probably smell my article reeking of novice skills, but what do I have to lose? I know I'll have fun doing it. Ohhh, fun fun. I will keep you updated.

Over and out-
Christi, the fashion expert. (pshhhaha)

My new anthem.

"There is a light that shines within me,

there is a hope that burns inside me.

Deep within my soul, my very existence,

there is a being waiting to be freed.

A child who knows no fear, pain, or rejection.

There is an emotion all encompassing of

excitement, joyfulness, gladness, and love.

The creative potential of laughter

and the undeniable power of an infants joy live inside me.

Unmeasurable are my limits for I call You FATHER.

Unimaginable my potential for You have called me daughter.

There is someone inside of me, waiting to be unleashed,

whom You embrace, whom I long to be.

There is an all consuming fire,

a light that permeates from my very being.

You have unlocked me, God.

The doors You open, no man can shut.

I will praise You for all my days, for You are good.

You have released me, God, with Your love.

You are EVERYTHING."

Oh, how untied I am!

I am...


Currently...


Looking a jobs on Craigslist...


In Manhattan.

Well, I asked for change, didn't I?

I sure got it.

My current mental status is...

Scared. Excited. Confused. Impatient. Ready. Not ready. Scared. Worried. Sad. Happy. Relieved. Tired. Scared. Let down. Dreading. Nervous. Questioning. Prepared. Scared. Slightly insane. Basket case. Calm. Pumped. Scared.

But that's okay, because even though I'm a crazy, inconsistent, fickle, don't-know-what-the-heck-I'm-doing human... God is not. And my God reigns.

--Anyways--

I think I might possibly be getting that *ok I'm tired of Rudy's again* itch. But, this time around, I'm not being so hasty in my decision to hurry up and find a new job and get the heck outta there. I'm dabbling here and there in all my thoughts. I basically in life have nothing tying me down to anywhere. Hmmm... that's a freeing thought. So, I am patiently waiting and seeing what doors God might open, meanwhile getting closer and closer to when my year anniversary (this time around) hits at Rudy's and I get to use my week paid vacation. That isn't until January, so I have some time.

I'm afraid of getting another office job, even though my initial "oh! oh! oh!" feelings are making me think I do want one. But, I've done that twice. Once at a boring bank (please, just don't ever be a teller if you are a social person that likes to keep busy), and another time at a Surgery Center. Both times I ended up disliking almost everything about it, and I came back to Rudy's. Twice. I don't want that to happen again. When I leave this time, it's gotta be for good! I want to work somewhere that I love, that loves me, and that I don't mind waking up at (what I consider to be) ungodly hours of the morning to go to on Monday - Friday. Is that even possible? Can I really, truly, finally become a so-so morning person and make it work? Can I get myself out of the stinking restaurant business and sit myself down in an office and not itch to be running around helping customers?

What I'd REALLY like would be something in the corporate office of K&N Management (the owners of all Austin Rudy's locations, and Mighty Fine) to open up so I could snag that and still work for this amazing company and have fun and work with people I already know, but not still have to be actually IN the restaurant. Please, please, pretty please, God??

Blah. Life.

Boobah...?

I've come across this before... and even then, I didn't know what to do with myself.



I find myself continuing to play with it though... I'm pretty sure I know what kind of people it's made for, to say the least.

It's just... so strange. Just go do it yourself.
Click.

On November 10th, my life will be complete.

www.yearbookyourself.com

Be sure to click on that to see my funny yearbook yourself pictures. Haha

Randomness

I wonder... why did God make squirrels so, well, not smart?
I'm coming at you at 30 mph. You need to move.


Here are some good lyrics.

Hope Now
Addison Road

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm


I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free