i'm listening.
(Note: This is not a lighthearted post. This shows the vulnerability of myself at the moment, and the intensity of what is being revealed to me.)
All day I've been thinking about what I'd be blogging about. That kind of makes me a loser, but oh well- I accept that. Anyways, I had even taken a picture of a cool book I'd read yesterday while at Border's with Zack, and jotted down a few notes of interesting fashion I might share with y'all, and even texted myself with a clever quote that applies to me so that I could save it and post it on my next blog. But, I am a vessel. My God is not just whispering in my ear anymore. I could no longer plug my fingers into my ears and scream "la la la!" It is hard to ignore the word of the Lord when He switches from whispering into your ear, and instead- stands in front of your face and opens His mouth, pouring out lightening and thunder.
Sometimes, when a bone is broken in the human body, it starts to grow back before surgery can be performed, or a cast can be set. Sometimes people don't even realize that they do have a broken bone, and it aches for a little while, but then it grows back together (however, flawed) and they use it perfectly fine, so they think. Then a problem with that part of the body comes up down the road, and the bone has to be re-broken since it was neglected and not fixed. The doctor has to actualy go back to the site of the break, and break it all over again. It's painful, it's agonizing, it's not fun whatsoever- but it's the RIGHT thing to do. It takes pain and being broken so that the bone can grow back to how it should have been growing all along.
You probably know where I'm taking this.
I am the warped bone. I am the arm that is still functioning and able to go day to day just fine, but underneathe the skin- I am angled and fractured and growing back the way I shouldn't. I cannot fix myself, just like the bone can't. I've let it go on so long, that today I had to be rebroken. My heart broke along with everything else. Some of you might be kind of confused because you had no idea anything was going on. I might have even chatted with a few of you via phone or via text, and I mentioned nothing. I basically don't know what to say. I got in bed about thirty minutes ago, and started crying in my brokenness, and instantly bolted out of bed so that I could get to the internet before they shut these computers down at 10:00. I feel so strongly that people (girls, specifically) go through exactly what I am going through right this very moment. I know that it is so encouraging and comforting to read about someone crawling through the depths of desperation but STILL clinging on to the only Thing worth clinging onto: my Savior.
Despite that I am broken, and my flesh hates it- there is a bigger part of me, my Spirit, that wants to be no where but absolutely desperate for Christ. Physically aching because a piece of me is missing, but rejoicing and passionately loving the pieces that are coming to fill in the void.
I am moving into a chapter of my life, or a season as some may call it, where I feel called to purity, patience and perseverance. As Elizabeth Elliot says, "Lord, I have said the eternal Yes. Let me never, having put my hand to the plough, look back. Make straight the way of the Cross before me. Give me love, that there may be no room for a wayward thought or step."
The eternal Yes. The eternal, never changing, never faltering, never doubting, YES. I say Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes a thousand times over. If what I have right now that I love so passionately is NOT for me yet, then YES Lord take it away. You give and take away, and I wait ernestly to see what You are doing next.
He has stripped me from parents living within 1,000 miles of me. He has stripped me from my dear sister who lives four hours away from me. I have no TV, I have no cable, I live by myself. He wants me alone. How amazing. He wants me all by myself, in every form of the word, desperate and crying outfor His powerful presence.
I am here Lord, with nothing in sight except for the Cross. I will not look side to side, I will not look behind, I will not try to peer around the Cross to see the future- I will look AT the Cross, NO where else. I am Yours. Break me, break me again, and break me again. I want to be on my face every night. You died for me. I want to die every single day to You. Every single moment.
All day I've been thinking about what I'd be blogging about. That kind of makes me a loser, but oh well- I accept that. Anyways, I had even taken a picture of a cool book I'd read yesterday while at Border's with Zack, and jotted down a few notes of interesting fashion I might share with y'all, and even texted myself with a clever quote that applies to me so that I could save it and post it on my next blog. But, I am a vessel. My God is not just whispering in my ear anymore. I could no longer plug my fingers into my ears and scream "la la la!" It is hard to ignore the word of the Lord when He switches from whispering into your ear, and instead- stands in front of your face and opens His mouth, pouring out lightening and thunder.
Sometimes, when a bone is broken in the human body, it starts to grow back before surgery can be performed, or a cast can be set. Sometimes people don't even realize that they do have a broken bone, and it aches for a little while, but then it grows back together (however, flawed) and they use it perfectly fine, so they think. Then a problem with that part of the body comes up down the road, and the bone has to be re-broken since it was neglected and not fixed. The doctor has to actualy go back to the site of the break, and break it all over again. It's painful, it's agonizing, it's not fun whatsoever- but it's the RIGHT thing to do. It takes pain and being broken so that the bone can grow back to how it should have been growing all along.
You probably know where I'm taking this.
I am the warped bone. I am the arm that is still functioning and able to go day to day just fine, but underneathe the skin- I am angled and fractured and growing back the way I shouldn't. I cannot fix myself, just like the bone can't. I've let it go on so long, that today I had to be rebroken. My heart broke along with everything else. Some of you might be kind of confused because you had no idea anything was going on. I might have even chatted with a few of you via phone or via text, and I mentioned nothing. I basically don't know what to say. I got in bed about thirty minutes ago, and started crying in my brokenness, and instantly bolted out of bed so that I could get to the internet before they shut these computers down at 10:00. I feel so strongly that people (girls, specifically) go through exactly what I am going through right this very moment. I know that it is so encouraging and comforting to read about someone crawling through the depths of desperation but STILL clinging on to the only Thing worth clinging onto: my Savior.
Despite that I am broken, and my flesh hates it- there is a bigger part of me, my Spirit, that wants to be no where but absolutely desperate for Christ. Physically aching because a piece of me is missing, but rejoicing and passionately loving the pieces that are coming to fill in the void.
I am moving into a chapter of my life, or a season as some may call it, where I feel called to purity, patience and perseverance. As Elizabeth Elliot says, "Lord, I have said the eternal Yes. Let me never, having put my hand to the plough, look back. Make straight the way of the Cross before me. Give me love, that there may be no room for a wayward thought or step."
The eternal Yes. The eternal, never changing, never faltering, never doubting, YES. I say Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes a thousand times over. If what I have right now that I love so passionately is NOT for me yet, then YES Lord take it away. You give and take away, and I wait ernestly to see what You are doing next.
He has stripped me from parents living within 1,000 miles of me. He has stripped me from my dear sister who lives four hours away from me. I have no TV, I have no cable, I live by myself. He wants me alone. How amazing. He wants me all by myself, in every form of the word, desperate and crying outfor His powerful presence.
I am here Lord, with nothing in sight except for the Cross. I will not look side to side, I will not look behind, I will not try to peer around the Cross to see the future- I will look AT the Cross, NO where else. I am Yours. Break me, break me again, and break me again. I want to be on my face every night. You died for me. I want to die every single day to You. Every single moment.
posted by Christi at
7:25 PM
5 Comments:
dang.
It's so wonderful being pursued by God. Keep listening - you are beginning a beautiful journey, full of blessings.
Amanda:)
I know that God is working gloriously in you, and it is apparent in these words that come from your heart.
I think we all need prayer to live in the moments He gives us and to live FOR Him in those moments!
This is sort of unrelated, but your entry made me think of this quote from a devotional I read a while back:
"I'm one of those people who has a hard time being in the moment. I struggle with seeing what's in front of me. I fail to be where I am. I miss summer wishing for fall. I blow a lovely night worrying about the next morning. I rush through lunch thinking about what's for supper. I spend this vacation dreaming about the next one. I mail November's electric payment already dreading December's.
"I'm a moment killer. I chase off the life I have now... today... by worrying about or longing for the one that's to be. I'm working on it, but I do: I live in moments that don't yet belong to me.
"Sure, thinking ahead is good at times. It's important to plan for tomorrow. To take a vitamin and eat broccoli. To change the oil in your car. To tuck money away for college and retirement. It's important to plan for tomorrow, but not at the expense of completely missing today."
Oh Christi...
This blog is amazing.
I am encouraged.
My own words convict me.
How easily I falter.
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